SPEAKER_02 0:00

Here comes a sun do. Here comes a sun that say it's all right.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hello and welcome back to Fortitude. I am your host, Heather Kittleson, and I have Amos, my wonderful husband, here to my left. And we have the pleasure of speaking with Wendy Holbrook today. I work with Wendy at Volunteers of America Dakotas here in Sioux Falls. And I would say over the past few years, maybe, we've had the opportunity to get to know one another. Rachel, I think, from VOA is the one who technically introduced us. And she was telling me a little bit about your story. And after you and I connected, I was so grateful that you allowed me in on your story. So thank you for being here today on our podcast, Wendy. Thank you for having me. Yes, you are welcome. So just to just to begin, um, I like to just jump right in on all the podcasts. So if you could just tell our audience a little bit about just you and who you are, and then you go ahead and start out with whatever you want. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

Well, um, I I'm just gonna start right out with telling my story. And I focus on um 2005, this uh two-month period in my life that had many life-changing events happen um very quickly. So it was August of 2005, and my oldest daughter, Lindsay, was leaving for college. It's a very exciting time. I was happy for her, and off she went to the dorm. Where was she going? SDSU. Okay. Yeah, both she and her father and I graduated from SDSU. So she and her sisters went to many hobo day parades.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Hi, my husband. And for those of uh the audience who do not know, that is in Brooking, South Dakota, South Dakota State University to go jackrabbits.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

All right. Um, so and then I I turned 40, um, which I don't know, age has never been a big deal for me, but anyway, I turned 40 a couple weeks later. But um then my my marriage of 21 years ended. So this was a big deal, a very big deal. It was the most difficult decision that I have ever um made. I don't make rash decisions, I'm an overthinker, I'm an analyzer. So um, but sometimes the hard thing is still the right thing to do. And so that was the case. And um, but regardless, the marriage resulted in um being blessed with three beautiful daughters. So that is my takeaway that I am forever grateful for. So thank you, Lord. Um, with the marriage ending, we were in business together, so my job ended. And also um, I was moving out of the family home. We had built a house at the lake, beautiful house, you know, my dream house. I was living the American dream, right? And uh anyway, so moving. So I bought a fixer upper in town near the school. Kids could just run, you know, back or to the house. So my my daughter, so Lindsay was a freshman in college, Tatum was a junior in high school, and Deidre was a freshman in high school.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:58

So mother of three daughters, I like wore that like a badge. Yeah, very proud of that.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

So and as a mother of three little girls, we do have that in common. So I get that. Yep. And turning 40, the reason that was significant is because people like to refer to 40 as your what they say, the midlife crisis. Oh, really? Right? Or like 40 is your your half age. What do they call that, Amos?

SPEAKER_03 4:23

I thought 40 was great. I celebrated. Well, so I'm I don't not sure I have the right answer.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

A lot of people say when you turn 40, you're I don't know why, but it has a negative connotation. I don't even know if that's the right word, but I just know that you might be thinking about 50 over the year. I think 40. 40 always 40 is a tough age for people. And for me, that was when I turned 40 and all my stuff happened too. So when when I saw that when we were talking, you said I turned 40 and everything seemed to be going great, and then just some things just started happening, and it was right. It I had just turned 40 in October, and then December was mine. So we have that in common as well, right? So you 21 years, divorce and move out of your home that you built, and now you're living with your three little girls or your three girls, you and you guys are starting a new life.

SPEAKER_00 5:17

That that was the plan. Yeah. And so I was still still living out at the lake because I had 45 days. Um, so I bought the fixer upper and but could totally envision it. I'm a visionary, I could imagine remodeling and and all of that, you know, what the house needed. So all that mattered at that point in time was that I had custody of my kids. I'm going on to get my master's degree, and uh I'm moving forward. Yeah. It's time. So, but it was um Friday, October 28th of 2005, the day after I closed on the house, that my life really changed. And that was when, see, my my voice, I just felt it shake, and that's okay. So 17 years ago, next Friday. Okay. And um, but so Tatum and Deidri um died in a car accident on their way to school on that Friday. So I uh I do you want me to talk a little bit about that day?

SPEAKER_01 6:33

Or I do. When you and I met and we went through a little bit of the details, I uh I thought it was really it was very touching some of this the small details that you gave from that morning, how you guys left the same time and they took a different route and you went a different route. So if you can just kind of walk through, um, because I uh as a mother, just it's just any normal day. You got up and if you can just kind of walk through right.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

Well it was volleyball regions, I think. And so the the girls wanted to go watch their competition. Um, and so they did that, a whole bunch of their friends so they could see who they were gonna be playing next. So they went to the game and I let them have a sleepover on a school night. Never ever has that happened before, and I'm really quite shocked that I um permitted that. But God knows better, right? Yeah, so they had their friends spend the night, and but everyone got up for school and just like normal, and all the friends left, and Tatum and Deidri were were there and getting ready for school, and and they left um just before me, and then I went into town. I took the oil road into town. I was meeting a contractor at the new house. I had the plans already, and um, and so I I met the ambulance on on my way into town and pulled over like you do. And I got into town and the fire sirens were going off, and I just drove over over to the house, and the contractor was there, and the electrician wasn't coming, and well, of course, he's a volunteer fireman. Um, and so I was talking to the contractor, and and then the fire whistle went off a second time as I was waiting. And um, and Kenny said, I oh, I hate it when that happens at this time of the morning when kids are driving to school. I remember him saying that. And so we I just waited around there for a while. Um, I do remember looking at my clock in the car when I pulled over for the ambulance. It was 8 02. So um kids weren't late for school or anything. They left in plenty of time.

SPEAKER_01 9:16

Yeah, so did you say that they took a gravel road?

SPEAKER_00 9:20

So it turns out that they took a gravel road, yes, and a town, which you know you can go either way. Um, but yeah, they took the gravel road. So I didn't come upon the accident. Um, I did eventually I left the house and I was gonna go run a couple errands. And so I drove down um to the stop sign by the school, and here comes a fire truck in, and I I you know waited for him and I pulled in be behind him, and they stopped at the stop sign in front of the school and they didn't move. And I'm like, well, what's going on? And all of a sudden, both cars or both doors, excuse me, on the fire truck opened and out they jumped, and both of them were just looking at me intently through my windshield, and I I think rolled my window down um and said, What's what's going on? What's up? And all I heard were words like, um, accident, helicopter, it's too late. And I um I jumped out and I said, Well, where are they? Where are they? And let's go, let's go, thinking we are rushing to Sioux Falls. And we were right in front of the parking lot where they parked in about the same spot, and I was scanning the parking lot looking for their car, and I could not find it. And and then it's it's too late, and I um just fell to the ground. Um, and I remember one of them, or maybe both, I don't remember, picked me up and put me in the back seat of my um pickup, and the other one got in and drove me to a friend's house. So there were a couple other friends that just showed up um there. I mean, I'm not sure how that all happened, but they were there on the street.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

So Wendy, when they said it's too late and then took you to a friend's house versus taking you to the scene or taking to the helicopter or just getting like how when they said it was too late, what was what was the accident? Well, can you explain that?

SPEAKER_00 12:00

Sure, yeah. So so they took a gravel road. Um and they're you know, it's morning, the light is the sunshine is coming. It was a beautiful October morning. Uh there's a shelter belt there, no stop signs. There was a yield sign. So so my daughter Tatum was driving. She's 16. Um, they didn't have cell phones. I mean, back then you they did have cell phones, excuse me, but they were not permitted in school, so they were always left at home. It was a different world. Yeah. And um, but so she did go through a yield sign and uh a pickup, a large pickup, um hit them on the side. So a helicopter did come and land, but they never did get on the helicopter. So it was on impact. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Yes, yeah. Okay. And t and actually T-boned, so go through and hit straight on by a T-bone.

SPEAKER_00 13:01

Hit on um Tatum's side. Okay. Yeah. So yes, that's when they took me then to a friend of mine who had a daycare, and I remember her coming out holding a baby, and I was uh laying, I remember laying in her yard, um, just yelling and screaming, and and um someone carried me into the house and where people started arriving there then. A lot of my friends were coming, a lot of the firemen who are also our friends. Yeah, yeah, because they have kids, and my kids is great, and so um you have a the small town is Viberg.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

Yeah, 800 people, yeah, 800 people, and so in a small community, you just think about how quickly that whole town probably shut down that morning. Um, because not only, I mean, just the ripple effect of people that were affected that day, teachers, coaches, you know, all the friends and you and just your ex-house, I mean, just everybody was affected. It just, you know, so for um for people to wrap their arms or just come to you and just wrap their arms around you, I find that to be such a special thing for for a community. Yep. Because I we've had tragedy in our little small town too, and when it happens, the whole the whole town will rally, which is that's why I love being a part of small town. But definitely, yeah. Yep. So next steps, what happened?

SPEAKER_00 14:46

Um well, driving to Brookings then to tell Lindsay. Oh, so um going to her dorm, um, and she sees mom and dad walking down her her hallway, which um we hadn't seen each other for I don't know, 14 months. And so anyway, so telling her, and you know, today's world we she would have found out before we got there, yep, but she didn't, so we told her, and then we came back.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

So okay. Did Lindsay um it it the the mourning process would definitely be different for the sister? And what um how how is she? How how have things been for her?

SPEAKER_00 15:38

Right. Well, Lindsay, um, you know, the oldest child, and um well, she she was a wonderful oldest sister. Um and Lindsay's always been very driven and intentional in her life. And uh, I mean, she completed college in three and a half years, and I'm like, honey, you have a scholarship, just go another semester.

unknown 16:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Even, even, I mean, the thought of usually it takes what for the morning process of losing someone you loved is like everyone's process is different, but a full year and a half to even comprehend life in so she did that at college and still she graduated early.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yeah, she went back to college and yeah, and um I'm in the social services field, so going to counseling, I mean, that is just a natural to me. So I said, you know, you need to be in a counselor up there. Um, and then poor thing. I had her go into a counselor in Sioux Falls too. I was like, yeah, we're gonna, I just didn't want this to come out sideways for for any anyone. I mean, I would encourage counseling to anyone, it's only going to help.

SPEAKER_03 17:01

And so how long did that process did you make that decision for her that she needed to be in counseling? Was it represented?

SPEAKER_00 17:06

Oh immediately, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:08

You had the clarity of mind in that moment in this tragedy in this difficult moment to say still this needs to happen.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

Yeah, yeah. And uh, you know, I want to honor her too. She was 18 and um made good decisions. I mean, she could had a good head on her shoulders, but losing both of your sisters um the week after your parents' divorce, it's huge. It's huge. So um it was very difficult and uh to go from being the oldest and in charge and to being the only, and I don't even look at Lindsay as an only child. I still consider her the oldest.

SPEAKER_01 17:52

Yeah, you know, yeah, yeah. You forever have three daughters, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:57

Did did she did she um did she resist any of your advice or did she fall? Did she just say yes? Whatever you say.

SPEAKER_00 18:07

I guess I'll uh I have to ask Lindsay. I think she was pretty compliant. I mean, I don't remember her uh arguing about that.

SPEAKER_03 18:16

Yeah, I we have a teenager in the house who knows if we if we don't know something, we just ask him. Because he knows everything, right? Um so that's where that question came from. But yeah, um uh what wise advice for a daughter to just get into counseling. We i we can be arrogant about things like this, right? And think that we can do it on our own. Oh yeah, but we have to we have to even Heather and I we go to counseling, I call it maintenance. And um we talk about things that we sometimes we never expect to talk about.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Right.

SPEAKER_03 18:48

Yeah, and I think it's an underutilized resource in our culture, isn't it? Definitely because it's got astigmatism to it. It does, but something's wrong with you, but that's not always the case. You can just come out just better. There's nothing wrong with you, just you just come out better because of it.

SPEAKER_01 19:03

Sort things out, right? Being able to just say things out loud and have a conversation out loud with a very unbiased person. Right. It is so helpful. Yeah, we love we're gonna be. I went to counseling. Yeah, yeah. Probably, probably still do. I mean, I I love that we go once a month. And we we kind of like a car. That's what we always say. It's kind of like a car. You have to keep up the maintenance, otherwise it'll break down.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

It's very important. And finding the right counselor is important. I went to the counselor that the kids and I were going to um helping deal with the divorce. We weren't going together, they went and I went. And I went back to that counselor and and she cried the whole time and I consoled her. And I um and I got my check back in the mail, and I I started looking around for a grief counselor. Yeah. And I was directed to Dr. Dr. Marcy Moran, um, who is now uh deceased, and but she was a game changer for me. You just said something so significant.

SPEAKER_03 20:12

Yeah, I wasn't aware that there are grief counselors specific to that.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

Sure. Your counselor wasn't necessarily specialized in that specific, and she was also too close to the to the girls and to you, therefore you made the the like you realized, oh whoa, hold on. I need to go to somebody different that gets this and understands this process.

SPEAKER_00 20:37

Doctors are specialists, counselors can specialize.

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Well, good for you. Good for you that you recognize that. So can you um good for Lindsay first off? I just want to give her a shout out and say, because I she'll probably listen to this. Like, how awesome of her to do exactly what she needed to do to get the healing that she needed. And um she you were telling me right before this if it's okay, like she now lives in your family home that you built back in. Well, we don't need to say where she lives, but I mean, people just the fact that she's back in the home she grew up in, right? It's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

Yeah, we didn't build that house, it's a it's an old house. Um but she yep, she lives there with my son-in-law, her husband, and the three kiddos. Lindsay was dating her now husband at the time. Okay, and um he was going to uh college in Iowa. Um, and anyway, yeah. So Tony, I have a an amazing son in law who is a great husband to my daughter and father to my grandchildren. I mean, what mother isn't blessed being able to say that?

SPEAKER_01 21:55

Yeah, that's and and he being a part of it all. Exactly. very beginning. So there was never a well, I really don't understand. It was a he knew who was with the kids.

SPEAKER_00 22:05

Yeah. He he was on the road by the time Lindsay was on the road.

SPEAKER_02 22:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Yep. Well thank you, Tony, for being so amazing.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

So let's I um I know you have a we have we have so much to talk about, but thank you for sharing the intimate details and that um with your daughters. As we're sitting here, we have a beautiful photo that I hope I can use. So because I would love to um just share the love and the life that they they all have. This picture is so beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

So um go ahead and just move on to the next I know you have a lot of stuff that covered sure so I was just going to share a little bit and you know anyone who has lost someone significant in their life understands and and uh I just want to validate and recognize that everyone has a story. And so um but you know some of those initial paralyzing moments um having nightmares and um I just I couldn't go into the kids' bedrooms. I I really couldn't even go down the steps um it was just paralyzing um at Thanksgiving a month later then we my family um helped me pack up their bedrooms because I was moving shortly and that was a tough day um but just the fact that you know the phone no longer rang there were no kids in the house there was never a mess there were no shoes by the door um it was it was just an all-consuming thing um so I had a a sign um it says amazing grace and I bought it because it's beautiful and crackled and but that um that sign was so significant um because it was placed above my sink at the new house and my eyes just went to that and I just felt God's presence with me on these hard days every day was hard initially I mean I lived down from the school marching band went by my house where my daughters would have been marching and um it it I mean it was just a oh it was just a hard time but I made the decision early on that I was not going to allow a day to be called bad there were going to be bad moments in a day but I wasn't going to let a whole day be bad and there were some pivotal moments too and um so um one of them I just want to talk about I I received so many letters and cards and you know this small town was just amazing just wrapped its arms around me and I felt the love my church family oh my gosh that was just I am forever grateful I received a letter from a stranger who um lost two daughters and one day when I thought I am not going to make it through this I searched through those hundreds and hundreds of letters looking because she put her phone number in there and I called her and I'm like I don't know what to do you know and she said let's meet so we met at a restaurant in Sioux Falls and I think for four hours and the gift that she gave to me that day was transparency in telling me her story the good the bad and the ugly she um she shared joy her life she smiled we laughed and she made a difference in my life and um and so I just thank her and here's something that she lost her only two children she will never be called mom again she will never be called a grandma of course she could marry someone who had children or grandchildren but not her own children and grandchildren. They were teenagers and I think they were 15 and 17 so it was a very similar you know country gravel road situation but she lost both of them and that's when I'm like people have it harder than me I don't have to look very far to find someone who has it tougher than me. And that's the lens that I had to start looking through life at because um because everyone has a story and they're at a different place and we have to meet people where they're at and um so that's that's when I started um noticing well I I got the newspaper and I read it every day it's kind of a joke in my family because I read the obituaries um and there were all of these teenagers many car accidents um and my heart just went out to those parents even though I was newly bereaved but I wasn't as new as them my pain wasn't quite as sharp as that disbelief that you have those first days and weeks and months and I started calling them or mostly writing to them like a couple weeks to a month later when people start getting back into their lives and and there I sat saying how could you go back into a life when I of course you know I wasn't working I didn't have a job because I was unemployed at the time and which maybe is a blessing in disguise right now but um but that's when I wanted to reach out to them after you know people start going back into their lives and they have to I I understand that now that's when I wanted to connect with them and I had some great opportunities to pay it forward. Yes like that gal did to me.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Can I want to touch on that because when people are going through such a significant loss and you feel like you can't even place your feet on the floor or get out of bed and you go through your moments what you said is really significant in that you were finding things you were you were searching and you knew in order for you to continue to keep putting one foot in front of the other you actually reached out to somebody and that is hard. That's really hard for a lot of people to in a in a time of feeling very desperate or very lonely I mean you searched through hundred hundreds of letters to find that phone number because you remembered that so I I love how God works. That's to me that's not a coincidence at all. That's that's like she was that letter that she wrote to you who didn't know you but just heard your story like we need to do that more often. We need like so that you paying it forward to all those people for our audience that's something that I really want to stress in this podcast and that is that we open our eyes to what's going on around us that we pay attention and that we speak out and we ask people the qu the questions of not how are you? Good, you good? It's more of anything I can do for you today. You know the the more of the direct questions because we don't know like you said everyone has a story. We all do so to ask those questions to write those letters to give our phone number to be available I think being available is such an important thing because those who were available to me I took advantage of that because I need I didn't even know I needed it until they reached out you know so um so thank you to that lady I mean let's that is how we all we're all supposed to be doing that for one another to be God's hands and feel show up for each other.

SPEAKER_00 30:46

Show up show up yeah yeah so then you were able to in return show up for others I hope so beautiful that's that's what I've uh it's meaningful to me. Yep it helps with my healing so some other things that I did that I listened to Christian music every day all day I just had the radio on I just needed that in my ear yeah um I uh uh my mom got me involved in attending compassionate friends in Sioux Falls this is a support group for parents who have lost children I went to that support group once a month for seven years I looked forward to it so much and I met some amazing people and I I like this because um I have people that we shared a moment in time together we shared the worst time of our life and we feel like we know each other's kids and we never met each other's deceased children and um and so I say a shout out but I feel like I met an A80 support group um because I know people like Carol and um Jeannie and Peggy and Jack and Karen and Ruth and Judy and you know um that that we have a bond and we've kind of had a a reunion I know that seems weird. We had a compassionate friends reunion it's not weird at all we we know our stories and and we were there for each other. And you know what we were complete strangers before and as loving and caring that my family was for me and my friends and my church family and my kids as friends and their parents and so forth it doesn't take the place of people who are walking the walk who are living basically in your shoes and your stories don't have to be identical we lost children from different reasons there may have been a medical issue or it was a baby die it could be an adult or a a child or suicide different reasons but in the end here we stand as parents grieving and missing our children and that's what brought us together. Yeah how are we gonna do this?

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Let's figure this out together hey I tried this this worked for me we didn't have to start every sentence with I know this sounds crazy but yeah I did this I said this I thought that we didn't have to do that it was a safe place very safe and you it almost don't even need to you can just look at each other and not even say a word and you just know yeah what each other is feeling so that's a comfort all in itself is you can sit silent or you can have a great conversation with the I same same when you mentioned AA it's kind of that same thing people who have struggled the same the darkness the darkness that you can't you can't explain it to people but if you've been there it's just a simple I get I get you I I get it and that is so it's a really crazy weird comfort like it's yeah I don't have to explain it oh thank you like you just get me you know so when it comes to the those individuals like you man that bond is something so special it's it is special.

SPEAKER_03 34:36

How long did it take for you to to feel comfortable going to that oh very quick. Was it as fast?

SPEAKER_00 34:43

Yeah yeah yeah but that's not the case for everyone so um so you know everyone you you just have to be good to yourself and and know what your limits are sometimes you know people may go too early too soon and so it's okay to wait and then try it again. So just just because that worked for me that doesn't mean it's gonna work for the next person.

SPEAKER_01 35:13

Yeah so the when someone loses somebody and you now seeing it on social media or you see them and you and you walk up to them and what is because it's so hard if you've never experienced a deep loss or I guess even if you have what are some things that some people said to you that were just really it was great.

SPEAKER_00 35:37

It was like thank you but then some things maybe you should not say sure well oh you know this is something that there's a lot of things that people probably shouldn't say but you know what I used to say those things. Um because if you haven't lived through it you we don't know what to say and then we say the wrong things and the something important is to know that people most people are very well intended. Yes and so you just have to try to sort through that and don't get lost in those weeds.

SPEAKER_01 36:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 36:16

Um and so and give people grace um but what I think is good for people to say and I actually yeah was going to mention this that it's good to mention um the names of the person who has passed away okay uh as a mother I like to hear my kids' names I don't get to hear that I don't get to see it in print I don't I don't get to see new pictures I want to hear their names spoken I want to hear stories even if I've heard them again uh before but hear new stories hear memory other people's memories um that's so important so I what I would say is um don't hesitate bringing that up to someone because you think it it will make them cry if they cry fine they're gonna cry anyway maybe right after you leave um it is so gratifying for someone else to talk about our kids who aren't here we're already thinking about them oh that's a really good point that's counter it's counterintuitive yeah because I would I would shy away from bringing up bringing up a a difficult memory um and not think to uh in in a way you're honoring them yes I love how you said because you're already thinking about them so by bringing them up it's not like you're bringing up a sad memory because it's our your the memory is forever it's there in in the good the good memories of your of your beautiful girls so so mention the names talk about them tell you stories yeah yeah okay that's really good really good feedback yeah oh so you attended a help group which praise the Lord that those exist oh yeah thank you start them I I ended up co-leading it for a couple years um too so um so that was great and went to counseling and I started speaking and sharing my story all always to newly bereaved um either parents or siblings or loss of a spouse but it was always to bereaved people okay um there's just uh on the one year anniversary I was gonna mention this a little bit okay so um oh I didn't know what to do if the one year anniversary's coming you know anniversaries are a big deal especially that one year your 17 is coming just in yeah 17's coming up okay that first one um I knew that some of the kids were struggling in high school and um well actually the superintendent told me um and asked me to come and talk to some of the kids and so um anyway I was driving to compassionate friends I even remember right where I was on the road getting on the interstate and the Lord like put this thought in my head you're gonna have a a Christian um concert for the one year anniversary it was on Make a Difference Day it happened to land on Make a Difference Day okay and I remember telling my mom calling her mom guess what I'm gonna have a Christian concert on the anniversary and she's like oh okay honey okay and in my church ladies and my church family just wrapped their arms around me and we put on this Christian concert at the school the same place where the funeral was in the gymnasium and 600 people came and we had a speaker and we had this I mean all out concert and so it was so wonderful. We served food and had t-shirts and um anyway angels of hope okay that was the concert and it was wonderful.

SPEAKER_03 40:19

And you said you're you're calling it wonderful this is the anniversary of one of the hardest the hardest thing in your life and you're you're calling it wonderful.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

It was I woke up that morning and um I'm sorry but I vomited I was oh yeah I woke up and I'm like I I was just so worked the one year anniversary it was um it made me sick and um but it was a great event so so Tatum and Deidri were honored their lives were celebrated.

SPEAKER_01 40:54

You guys all came together and just swooped it up in the gymnasium.

SPEAKER_00 41:00

The speaker his theme was um every day is a gift yeah he did a great job um and then this um this youth group um formed as a result at my church and then um I I was one of the leaders for that um so so I had direction in my life I really struggled with purpose and I hear this a lot um with what is my purpose now so yeah um anyway I was I was creating a purpose I guess um with the help of other people so and your purpose was to to reach out to other people um newly bereaved it was to be there for the kiddos yeah I mean there's other kids in the community to be there for my own daughter she was in college she was continuing on with her education and um and you know just continue on with my life sort of for others yeah yeah okay you had a couple others I know we're getting short on time here um but you had a couple other things that I know you wanted to touch on right um so uh I'm just looking here quick um so I guess I'll just can I share one oh please so this um when my daughter was expecting her first baby and she came over it was Mother's Day and she was actually due that month in May and um and here they come to my house and she's carrying this cake pan and it had a a towel on the top and I'm like oh my gosh she even made a cake for me for Mother's Day this is amazing and in they came and my son-in-law my son-in-law is 6'10 and he has a very deep voice and uh anyway they came up and she just said well aren't you gonna take the the cover off you know they're they're very tight uh which is great you know they're married um and they weren't telling anyone who the name was and you know I'm like even me your mother you know nope nope nope and so anyway I took the cover off of what I thought was a cake and it was baby blocks spelling out the baby's name Tatum Deedri and I oh could not believe it I could not believe it and so here she is having a girl named Tatum Deedri and I just cried and cried I no I sobbed and sobbed on my daughter's shoulder and and my Son-in-law in his deep voice said, Is it okay, Wendy? Yeah, and my daughter just said, Yes, it's okay.

SPEAKER_02 44:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:10

So you get to say their names a lot. Yeah, not the middle name too much. Okay. I save that for her parents, you know, when you get in trouble. When you use the middle name. Yeah, but I do. I have this granddaughter named Tatum. Um, and so you know, so life continues 17 years later. I I I have wanted to add to that. I'm married eight years to this one wonderful um Christ-centered man. Yes. And um blessed with three grandchildren, two grandsons, two grandsons as well. So what are their names? Briggs and Burke.

SPEAKER_01 44:51

Briggs and Burke.

SPEAKER_00 44:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:53

That's and they live close by you, so you get to.

SPEAKER_00 44:57

We do. So we get to see each other, and that's wonderful. Fills my life with joy. Yes, it does.

SPEAKER_01 45:04

The grandma, the grandma state is pretty special. We every night we pray over our kids. We always, I should say, Amos does. Amos, you pray often, and give us lots and lots of grandbabies.

SPEAKER_02 45:18

This is true.

SPEAKER_01 45:19

Uh Wendy, thank you for sharing your story. And not only just today, but you have shared it multiple times. And I know now living it where I'm the more I share my story, the more healing that I am finding in telling the story and honoring those around me that have helped me through it. I could not have gone. I mean, there's no way personally that I believe I could be here today if it wasn't for Christ and my relationship and my foundation with Christ. And I've heard you say that multiple times today, um, just that you really leaned in to that and your sign, amazing grace above your above your sink and just all the different things. And so um the community of faith, if those who are listening do not know Christ, I would highly recommend that finding somebody who does that can speak into your life about that is so important. Um, because Christ is all love and joy and peace and all the things that continue every single day for us, right? To pay it forward and to push forward. Uh, one thing that I'm gonna start doing with my guests is asking a question as to how we can better serve you. I think about um, you know, we pour out to people all the time, and yet you we we have to allow people to pour into us. And so for me and for our listeners, um, how can we better serve you, Wendy Holbrook?

SPEAKER_00 46:51

Well, it it's like I was just saying, to mention the kids' names, share memories. Um that's really that I would say is what to do. And I think of not just me, but other newly bereaved, other bereaved parents, because this is what we want to hear. But not only that, but it's it's just being present, enjoying relationships, and um because that's what life is all about. So easy to share the happy times with each other, but we have to be real and share the tough times too.

SPEAKER_01 47:29

Yes, we do.

SPEAKER_00 47:30

We want we want our friends and family to come to us if they're struggling. So we need to uh model that and be transparent and come to other people and let them know. Uh sometimes we think people can read our minds. Well, of course, you know this is what I'm thinking, or this is what is wrong. But no, we have to actually do the hard work and say it out loud.

SPEAKER_01 47:52

Yeah, getting getting uncomfortable is it's not so bad. Yeah, goodness always comes from it. Well, you heard it straight from Wendy's mouth. Serve others. That's how you serve her. So thank you so much for joining with us today and sharing your story, Wendy. Thank you. Yes.