SPEAKER_03 0:00

Here comes a Sundo. Here comes a Sunda say it's all right.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Hello and welcome to Fortitude. I am your host, Heather Kittleson. And to my left here, I have my husband, Amos.

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Hi.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

And across the table, I have Sarah Kinville with me today. Hello. Hi, Sarah. We are thrilled to have you here today to discuss a very, very tough subject. I go back to how you and I met, and we were just kind of talking about that, and I giggled a little bit because Amos and I were out for our anniversary and we were at the steakhouse in Brandon. And this sweet lady was waiting in line and she had like these really cool boots on. And I commented on her boots. And then Amos and I were eating, and she approached us probably 30 minutes later while she was waiting for her husband to come out of the bathroom. And as we started talking, she shared that her husband's in recovery. And then she started started sharing more about her story. And I was kind of blown away. I'm like, okay, God, there is a reason she had these superstellar boots on that I went out of my way to comment because here we are, what, a year and a half later-ish. And the person she said, you have to contact and talk to is my dear friend Sarah. I think you're you're friends with her daughter. Yes. She's one of my closest, dearest friends. She's a part of the story. Oh man. So when she said, I think we started talking about the podcast, and she simply just said, You need to speak to Sarah Kinville and hear her story and have her on your podcast. So I think I I immediately that night sent you an instant message on Facebook, and here we are. Like that is so fun. And we've for our audience, um, Sarah is a Spitfire, and um, people tend to call me a Spitfire. So getting the two of us together and talking is so much fun. So this friendship that's developed over a pair of boots is really cool. I just love it. Um so thank you for agreeing to speak to our audience and to just be here with us today because um I find your story to be very powerful and it has crossed my path many times in the community. Um and uh just sharing it today is gonna be so special. So for having me. Yeah, you're welcome, Sarah. I jump in with allowing you to introduce you. There's no one that knows you better than you. So if you can just start a little bit of whatever you want to share.

SPEAKER_05 2:49

All right. Well, like you said, my name is Sarah Kinvall. Um, I grew up around here in Small Town, South Dakota, actually, in Brandon, where you met this wonderful lady that yeah. Um and you know, I have two parents that are still married today, and that is kind of odd nowadays. Um but I have one older brother and lived a pretty normal what I I mean what was normal to me childhood and went to uh went to tech school and moved away to uh pursue my graphic design career. I moved away to Minneapolis. Um and uh in in the meantime, um I'll get into it a little bit more, but I found alcohol in in that young part of my life. So I'll get into that. Uh I am now a I'm just gonna fast forward to where I am now, yeah, and then we'll fill in the gaps. Um I am a single mom of two, um, 10 and 5 year olds, both girls, and I work for a nonprofit in the domestic violence field. I'm a coach and a speaker. I love sharing what I believe will help others, I guess, find find hope and find themselves. Um, as I've been in my journey to do the same.

SPEAKER_02 4:24

Yeah, we all tend to get a little bit lost, which leads us to now sharing those stories of when when and where and what transpired in those moments, right? So can you thank you for sharing that? Would you go back a little bit to um because the alcohol piece obviously we had we have in common? And so when when did that happen? And then when did you realize that it had become an issue?

SPEAKER_05 4:49

Sure. Uh I started, took my first drink at 15 um in high school. I don't know, being out in small town and in the country area, you know, there wasn't a lot to do, I guess. And I don't even know if I fell into peer pressure, if I was looking for it. Um, it was just it was there, and I took the opportunity and I loved the reaction or I loved how my body reacted at the time to to I love what it did to me. It gave me courage, it gave me the ability to talk to anyone and everyone. Um but that quickly got me into trouble um within you know, a couple years. I mean, it got me into trouble with my parents a few times and got me into trouble, you know, underage consumption and then at EWI at like barely 19. Oh shoot. Um, you know, so that was some scary stuff there as far as like what could have happened, you know. Um and then I moved away, I moved to Minneapolis, and that's where my drinking really took off. Uh I started drinking by myself. Um I manipulated my way to, you know, have people buy for me. Yeah. Of course I wasn't, I wasn't even 21 when I moved there. Um and uh was in a relationship that, you know, he would often find me passed out. Um I worked uh rotating shift in the printing industry and uh worked, you know, like a a month of first shift, month of second, month of third, and it was that itself was crazy on the system. Um, but then you add in the chaotic drinking I was doing. Excuse me. Um I I became a blackout drinker within a few years. I mean, I think uh before I even left Sioux Falls, I was I was blacking out. So I mean that was only five years of drinking.

SPEAKER_03 6:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:58

So I knew and my significant other knew. Um, he persuaded me to well, he gave me ultimatums, more than one. And um, I finally went to a meeting um in Minneapolis and in the suburbs at 23 years old.

SPEAKER_02 7:16

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 7:17

So you're sitting in an AA meeting at age 23 with a bunch of old white men in a church basement.

unknown 7:25

Oh no.

SPEAKER_05 7:26

Oh man, not a place that you would have probably nooked into the future and cried for the first two meetings I went to and didn't want to go back, but my significant other gave me an ultimatum and you know. Um at first I was doing it for him, and then then quickly within a few months I would say of of me fumbling with the idea, I did I started, you know, wanting sobriety for myself because I knew I didn't want to, I didn't want to feel that way of waking up and not knowing what I had done the day before, the night before. How how did I get here? Where's my car? Who who do I need to apologize to and for what? Um, to me, there's not much more demoralizing feeling than that or finding out from co-workers what I did say or do, because I I did drink a lot with my coworkers after hours. And that was um I you know, I couldn't know myself or love myself with those so many of those unknowns. Um, so that was never even a part of the me at that point.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

How how would you characterize characterize that ultimatum? Was it was it um did it come from a good place? Did you appreciate it at the time?

SPEAKER_05 8:52

Or um, well, the way I remember one of them was you're starting to show signs of my father, and I knew he was the son of a of an adult of an alcoholic, and who I knew his father was in recovery, but it lived nowhere near us. Um and if I didn't fix it or change, then he was gonna leave. So it was this fear of me being either by myself or being sober. So I had to pick the worst of two evils at that time initially. And like I said, until I decided it was for me to get sober, you can't get sober for anyone else but yourself.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

So it wasn't really it wasn't a healthy ultimatum, it was one that was rooted in fear.

SPEAKER_05 9:38

Oh, yeah, for sure. That which I later realized was one of probably my first unhealthy or toxic relationship that became a pattern for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

So you're in Minneapolis, you're in the church basement. And this the sobriety piece and having people that get you, like that there is something so unique about AA, um, and just doesn't even matter, doesn't raise, age, any of it, like because it doesn't discriminate. Did you find peace in that and stay sober, or what was your next move?

SPEAKER_05 10:18

I I did find peace in that. I found peace in in the similarities, yes. And I was I was told early on to look look at the similarities, not at the differences, and I held on to that. I do found I I feel fortunate that I found a group that was deeply rooted into the traditions and uh the steps and in the work. Um that shifted over time and became a bit controlling, honestly. Um but I look at it now and and have for a long time of that was what I needed at the time. That was absolutely I needed the rigidity, I needed the consistency, the the accountability to just to the ex to the extreme, really. Um and I'm grateful for those people.

SPEAKER_02 11:16

Um interesting how you can kind of warp back there, isn't it? Like I I can see as I'm looking at Sarah for the audience, like I could, I can see you going and literally putting your butt in that seat with the people in the room. Yeah, it doesn't go away. Those kind of monumental um man, the feeling, because I can I can go back pretty quickly to treatment, the treatment center, certain smells and certain things. But so you you attend how long did you attend there? And then how did you end up getting back here to the Sioux Falls area? Like what was the time frame there?

SPEAKER_05 11:51

Well, I was probably five years sober when I moved back to Sioux Falls. Okay. And I I thought at that time, you know, I'm never going back. Never going back because it's small town, South Dakota. I, you know, I got out of there. Um, but when I was um looking at moving back, um I was I was going through another relationship thing, and um actually we we moved here together um just due to my family was here and his was elsewhere, um, had moved away from there. And so I just I wanted to be around family then. And I I think I was at a place in my recovery that I was able to just like slow down and and see the importance of things. And I felt like this difference when I came back to Sioux Falls, like it just felt slower paced and more what I needed, I guess. Um and so I moved back here in Yeah, like I said, about five years sober.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

So you're at you're in your late 20s at this point, yeah, is what I'm guessing. Okay. So you kind of have entered all the we have so many different stages in life and so many different chapters in life, right? So you end up back in Sioux Falls and you are sober, so you're in a plate, in a good place, but yet there is still something missing from Sarah because you you've expressed and you've kind of shared with me that you started to still find validation and the codependency and the stuff in relationships.

SPEAKER_03 13:25

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 13:26

Um, can we move into that space a little bit? Okay, so go ahead and explain it.

SPEAKER_05 13:31

I will sort of fast forward through um one relationship that I had in you know, while in recovery, and he was also in recovery, and um it became very toxic, and I ignored flags, um, and then moved away later with him after we were we were married, um, and we had a child, and you know, after becoming a mom, it was uh I was still sober and I wasn't attending meetings or wasn't you know it's active in my recovery outside of myself, right? Um and we moved away and there was no like going away party, it was just kind of like almost an escape, but I just went along for the ride, so to speak, like it was not my choice.

SPEAKER_03 14:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 14:25

I mean, I had a choice, I I don't know if I had a choice, but I mean, I was married and we had a child, and this was the move we were gonna make. So here we go. Right. Um, and that made things spiral quickly into the negative. Um, and after two years away, I left that I left the marriage for the sake of my sanity, my safety, and my child. Um there was no physical abuse, though looking back, I absolutely, and in even at the time, I mean, shortly after um I know it was emotional, psychological, um lots of manipulation, lots of belittling, lots of blame, lots of just nastiness. Um that was always a half hour later apologized um for by him. And um and I just like kind of became the shell. Um that I could finally see that like this is not okay, this is not normal, this is not where this is not what I want to be in. Yeah. Um, and this is not healthy for my child. And there was some substance use happening on on his end that um I wasn't aware of until like right before I left. And then I knew um then I knew it was time.

unknown 16:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

And so your little girl is about probably three at this point. Three, um three years old when you guys move back to Sioux Falls. Okay, I bet your family was glad to have you back. I don't know how far you went away, but um quite a ways. Okay. Yeah. Very similar. They move you away. Yep.

unknown 16:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:24

Isolate. They isolate you. So there's some narcissistic behavior in all of that that you just spoke of, which is a whole nother thing that I want to touch on um on a different day, different, different podcast or episode. But um, it's a very scary personality to try to um, you can never reason ever. And then you just take and take and take the abuse until you really can't take it anymore. And then you have to do what's right for you and for your child if there's one involved. Um so you're back in Sioux Falls and you're safe until the next relationship.

SPEAKER_05 17:01

I met the next um element in the pattern. Okay, perhaps. Never put it like that, but I do know I recognize a pattern now. Um, and we'll get more into that in a bit. But um, you know, I hadn't healed, I hadn't recovered at all. I didn't even know I had anything to really heal about or over. Um, I just knew, yeah, I just knew it was not what I wanted and it wasn't good. Um, and I got into another relationship um within I don't know, a year or so after my marriage was over or the divorce was final even. Um and well, it was yeah, sometime in that next year I met someone that I had known from 20 years prior. Um, I actually met online again and I met I met him again, and I so I kind of thought he was safe because I knew him from the past and he was very well known um in the community that that I knew um from way back then, and I guess I put too much stock in that part and excuse me, um and you know, it's like any beginning, it I've any beginning that I've ever had, it was good, it was fun, it was you know, he was charming, and um though I I did have some some flags that I again ignored um because I I really confused my fears with my intuition. Like, is this just my fear because or you know, or is this really my gut telling me that this isn't right or something's wrong, you know?

SPEAKER_02 18:52

So I want to speak to that because that is a a very common I hear that come out of everybody's mouth that has gone through something like this, and that is I I saw the flags, I felt the flags. I literally felt the physical, I felt my body like doing things, and it was their body trying to protect them. It was like the things that we feel, the things that we think, and the flags that are so in our face, but we try to ignore them. Um, golly, just trying to anyone who's listening to this and may feel those, those, those feelings, it's like, get out. I can't, I can't stress that enough. If you are feeling unsafe or you, there's things that just you're not okay with, right? Like um, do whatever you can to get out because you're feeling those feelings for a reason. Trust the feeling, trust them, trust your intuition, trust the Holy Spirit that is speaking inside of you and saying, please, for the sake of yourself, your safety, your children, for whatever it is, you need to get out. Um, because if you would have trusted, you wouldn't have entered into the next piece of the puzzle. Right. Right.

SPEAKER_05 20:06

And I yes, and I appreciate you sharing that. And I wasn't even at this place that I know now where I'm in tune with listening and feeling these things in my body, like physical feelings. They were more just so surface level or thought, like fear, yeah, or just question or did that really happen? Like you asked yourself those things. Yeah, and and a lot of it was just it was love bombing. I don't know if you've heard that term, but um, just a lot of of attention and charm, and um, you know, later that turned into um not a good thing. Um, where yeah, uh but I thought this is great, you know, at first it's like attention, this is affection, this is um, this is what I'm seeking, this is what I want. Like he really he's he's really into me, even though I'm having these other thoughts or fears or red flags or insecurities of is this real or you know, what is this?

SPEAKER_02 21:13

But I just carried on. Is it is it gaslighting? Like there's a the phrase gaslighting, and that's where they like they lead you into and then they pull you back out and they lead you in. Like it's this weird the manipulation piece that you're like, oh, they're actually really good, they're really nice. And then the next thing you know, they're locking you up and holding you hostage. You're like, wait a minute. Well, what did I do? I must have done something wrong. I must have done something really bad. But in reality, it is just the the abuse that's going on that you try to we try to justify it in our heads. And the reality is is that it's actually happening and it's not okay.

unknown 21:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:51

Right. That love bomb love love bombing is a form of gaslighting. Yes. And when I connected those two, I was like, wow, yeah, that makes sense. Um, because they make you feel worthy, they make you feel all these things and then, you know, kind of pull the carpet out from underneath you and like, I'm all you can get. Yeah, nobody else wants you. Um, you're flawed, you're this, you're that, you're you know, all these things. And those those things came later, but not much later. This progressed very quickly, and that was one of the things that I ignored was was moving very quickly. And now too, I mean, that's a sign, that's a sign of a unhealthy or toxic relationship, is this intensity.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

Um so were you two living with each other? We were. Okay. Yeah, we that happened quickly. Yeah, and that's usually another thing that happens is they they will ask you to either move in with you or want to you to move in with them because then they have more control, which isn't which is a very, very common thing. Um so can we go to that day? Yes. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 22:57

So we were not living together. Well, I'll just I'll go to that time. We had um I had ended things. Okay. So I'm pregnant that um that changed things, of course. Actually, there was um that escalated the it enhanced the possessiveness, obsessiveness um around how he was treating me. And um, but I knew I I started seeing signs in myself, uh, feelings of how I I did with my previous relationship that I knew this was not healthy and I was not going to go through another one. So why would I leave the previous and and then put up with this? I was just like, I can't do this. I'm you know, so and he wouldn't leave my place. So I left my place. Okay. Um, I found a new place and we had agreed. Uh so I thought to be cordial adults that we're gonna have a kid, but not be together. Um and to the point where he even, you know, helped me move. And, you know, looking back, that was like yeah, you know, another layer of that love bombing, you know, because the attention and the affection didn't didn't the attempts of it didn't stop. Um, I had to set boundaries and I told him of these boundaries and like said, I need you to respect these, like this is what I need. And he agreed. Um, so to go to that day, um, he had been messaging me uh all morning, all day, that he needed to see me, wanted to see me, was really struggling with things and just wanted to talk. And um I had said no multiple times, and you know, he pulled on my heartstrings and I fell for it and agreed to meet with him. And I met him at my place, my new place, um, after work, and he was there waiting for me when I got there. And my my child was um not there with me, so that was good. Um, I'm six months pregnant at this time, and um we go into my place and he asks me a question as I as I let out let let my little little dog out the sliding glass door. I turn around and answered his question, and he punched me in the face and proceeded to punch me and beat me, um, beat my head against the ground, which was essentially linoleum on concrete. Um, and I passed out. And when I came to, I was, you know, in shock and I was bleeding um a lot and in a very abnormal place. And I just remember asking why and screaming and um and he threatened me to shut up or it would be worse. And I thought, how much worse could this be? And I just listened and I shut up, and he's and I'm still fighting against him, and he's a very large man compared to my size, and um we wrestled and um he strangled me with uh his hands, his arm, his knee, shoved a blanket down my throat, um, and I passed out again. And when I so because I had just moved, I was slow to unpack, and I had boxes on my kitchen table that were all of the extras in my kitchen, and because I don't cook much, extras were knives. Um but he was across the room and um looking for, I believe, another f weapon because he was standing over that kitchen table full of boxes, and I got up and you know, stumbled and tried and he tried to get me to get back here, and I made my way out the the sliding glass door and ran. Um, you know, this felt like it was hours, but it was probably I think 15 minutes, but it was um, you know, to be unconscious in that period of time and to do to receive, I guess, the the damage that I did receive. Um it was it was pretty brutal. Um and I ran to the the rental office and um no one was there, so I ran back outside and I just fell to my knees in the grass. This was October six years ago. Um and um a woman came to my aid and turned turns out she was a social worker, and uh she brought me into the rental office and was there with me until ambulance and um authorities came. Um her and I are still friends today. Um I spent two days in the hospital. Um you know, there were no obvious signs of like permanent damage or anything. Thankfully, as far as far as my head went. Um they did all the tests, CTs, and excuse me, um checked on my baby because that was my first thought was is she okay?

SPEAKER_02 28:50

Um while you were passed out, he was he still did awful things. Well okay.

SPEAKER_05 28:58

He did he did he cut me while I was passed out, and he continued to try to cut me when I was awake, and that's when I fought. Um, I fought him with that weapon. And there was a cut on my belly too, and that, you know, and just um being hit so many times, and I didn't know since I was passed out, like where else did he hit me? Um right. So I was very concerned for her, and um, you know, as far as I could tell with the tests they can do when you're pregnant, um she was she had all good signs. Okay. So I had re-emergency uh reconstructive surgery of um for my cut wounds. And um a lot of swelling and bruising, um you know, the strangulation marks showed, and then the following days um learned what that what patiki eye is, and that's red spotting in your eyes. Yeah, oxygen from strangulation, yeah. And then my my eyes were filled with blood too, besides, you know, in the areas where you where there was white, you could see the spots, and the other areas it was pretty much filled with blood, both ear both eyes. And um, you know, that time in having my parents and that dear friend whose mother you met, my friend showed up at the hospital, and my parents and my ex-husband, because he was in town with, you know, he had my child, and um it was gut-wrenching to see, and I, you know, can go back there now and like see their the terror in their faces.

SPEAKER_04 30:58

Um but I was okay, I survived. So now on, you know, to the real work, the rest of the journey. Um, waking up that first morning in the hospital, uh and seeing, I don't even know if it was the next morning or sometime in the night, but seeing the uh the headlines. Oh I think that was probably the first time I dropped F-bombs in front of my parents, probably ever, um, to see the headlines because they were brutal headlines, and I remember messaging or calling the paper or whoever it was that put that out and said, Do you know that there's people attached to headlines? And that this will forever be attached. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 31:58

Though my name was not in it, and um you know, I realized I realized later that that headline got a lot of attention, um, and it actually was international.

SPEAKER_04 32:14

Oh man. Um, people were sharing with me that this was, you know, printed and shared with newspapers all over the world, and I was like, what?

SPEAKER_05 32:22

Details. Yes. Details about what happened. Yeah, I mean the basic details. Oh, yeah. And um yeah, that was mortifying.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

So more headlines hit the news because you're the ex um is now in prison. So were they out? How did that all unfold, if you don't mind, just for a couple minutes sharing how how the trial and they like they did they seek after him right away?

SPEAKER_05 32:57

Well, he turned himself in that night. Oh, yep. So he used that to try to help him help. Of course he what I can share is the the process of you know, having to sit in front of a grand jury and share all this in detail, like within days after it happened, um, was gut-wrenching. And I mean, details way more than we talked about right now. Yeah. Um and you're healing, like you're you're physically still brutalized, like your body. Yeah. I mean, the I still had stitches. Yeah. I was still very pregnant. You know, I was more pregnant. Um so that I mean, it's traumatizing. It's a lot to to deal with. And you know, it would go on for about a year until he was sentenced. Um right around, I can't remember if it was before or after, I think it was after Thanksgiving that following year. Um, but we we had reached a plea agreement and I was a you know had some say in it. I didn't have much, I mean I didn't have all the say by any means. Um but yeah, he's uh he's gonna be behind bars for a long time.

SPEAKER_02 34:21

I can rightfully say good. Right. Because I'm gonna. Man, Sarah, thank you. That is that is not easy to swallow. I mean, that's very hard to share that over and over. But the one thing that I absolutely love and adore about you is that um you haven't taken this experience and locked it up and said, dang it, this happened to me. And I don't ever want to talk about it. I don't ever want to share it. It's nobody else's business. Instead, you have turned it around and you have become somebody that is so inspirational and such an impact on domestic abuse. And just in general, just I mean, even as your friend, like I just I adore so much about you and the heart that you have and the heart that you have for people and people going through this. Um and your daughter, man, I tell you what, that girl too, she's so beautiful. And so she's, I mean, I look at she doesn't even know what she has gone through. Like she or what I mean, I'm sure she's bits and pieces of what, right, what you've what you've shared. Um, keeping, I mean, there's certain things we don't share for this, for the safety and for our kids and stuff. But um in the last uh, I think we have like five to seven minutes left. So with that, um, just go ahead and share. I as you just have so much going on. You have so much advocacy and education, and you're coaching women back to their like so they don't have to go through this, you know, like it's so good. So just share, just go. What are you doing right now?

SPEAKER_05 36:05

Um, well, you know, in this time, in this last six years, it's you know, I would just want to hit on the the healing that I took the the bull by the horns. Um, and thank God for the services in our community that encouraged me and and aided me in that. Um, because I feel like if I hadn't gotten counseling right away, it it'd be a different story uh as far as where I'm at now. Um and even just in the last year or two years, how I've healed even more. So, and that encouraged all of that encouraged me to want to help others in a different way, but beyond speaking, because I've been speaking since 2018, I believe I shared my story for the first time. Um, and it's it's not it's not fun, it's not easy, but and why I do it, um, it helps me heal, but I also the goal is to help others know that they're not alone and that we can get through hard things. And whether it's alcoholism, whether it's abuse, whether it's whatever your life struggle is, you know, use your use your network, use your people.

SPEAKER_04 37:23

And if you don't have them, reach out for help and find them. And if you're in um you got the if you have bad playgrounds and playmates, it's time for new ones because we are a product of our environment.

SPEAKER_05 37:39

Yes, we are. Um, and with that, um, you know, I started uh I took some classes and became a coach, and I love working with women that have been through similar, but I also love working with anyone that just has questions or you know wants to reach their goals and has barriers to figure out what they are, and um, you know, together we can do that. So um, you know, I'm not the crisis management person on, you know, getting you out, but my a big, big thing I I always say is if you're in a situation now and you're in danger or it's in you know emotional abuse can definitely escalate to physical abuse. And just because it's not physical does not mean it's not abuse. And just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it might not. Um and strangulation, if that's happening, there's seven times, I think is the number. Don't quote me. The the num the es the lethality is much, much, much, much higher if strangulation is happening. Um have a safe plan is my point. Use those resources in the community, build a plan to get out safely.

SPEAKER_02 39:07

There's this piece about, and I'll I will because of now speaking out about the alcoholism, um, people will sit across the table from me and say, Well, I mean, I like to drink, but I just don't know. Like, am I and all the questions that people have, they have the answers, which is really I tell I tell them all the time, I'm like, I knew, I knew, I didn't want to admit it, but I would say, Oh, well, it's just what we do. It's just what I know. It's just, it's just what he does. He's just, and I you you make ex the excuse piece. If you start making excuses, you have already answered your question.

SPEAKER_05 39:44

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 39:45

So from the abuse from whether you're doing it to yourself or to the person around you is doing it to you, it's like, you know. Listen, listen to yourself. If you think you have a problem, find somebody, a group. It does not matter. You don't need to wait until it's too late, until something really bad happens. Like I knew I was just literally one more drink away from either me dying, one of our kids getting hurt, or somebody else, because you become it becomes insanity. And so you start doing things that you actually don't even realize that you're doing them because you're just so far gone. And I think that that comes also from the side of like the mental health and people, like if you're starting to see some weird activity, don't question yourself anymore. Don't make excuses, like find some help.

SPEAKER_03 40:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

Yeah. Absolutely. Um, as I was looking up some stuff about domestic abuse, I and domestic violence. Um, I Amos and I always joke that I never dated anybody prior to him, but that's kind of a lie. So we we kind of joke, but I dated a cop um right out of college, and literally 90% of the phone calls that he would get that that he would have to go to was domestic violence calls. And that hasn't changed. Like it is looking through all of this stuff, 81% of women who have experienced, like there's there's stalking involved. There's, oh man, there's so many things that lead up to um this abuse. So just for people that are listening, um, there's so much more that's going to come out episode after episode. But this is just the beginning of advocating and educating people of um what is out there. And even if you've gone through things, like you are just a product of such a beautiful, um, like God is doing so much awesome work through you and you're allowing him to do that. And through that process, you're healing and you're the next person that you're with. I don't even know if you're dating any, but anyway, it doesn't matter. Um, they're in for a treat because there's a confidence and a beauty about you now that you're not gonna stand for no crap. Like it is, and it's a beautiful thing because it's not like harden walls and shut off, like, don't mess with me. It's a I am now, I've stepped into who I am.

SPEAKER_03 42:05

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

And I am Sarah, and I love me because that's all the work that you've done. And I think that where we go wrong is we're searching for who we are and we find our validation, we find our identity in others. All right. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 42:22

That's where it comes from. The big key here for me is you know, I am no longer uh the opinions of others no longer run my life. How I think you think of me, um, though your your feedback might be important um when I when I bring something to you, your opinion of me um or my past or my future is really none of my business. Yeah. And I have come to this place in my life where I I know me. I'm still no getting to know me, and I love it. And um, you know, one of my biggest revelations in putting it into words is I am we are not defined by our coupleness or being partnered. And I think that narrative really needs to change with even asking kids, like, oh, do you have a boyfriend? Do you have a girlfriend? Like, we are society as a whole is wiring our youth, young adults, everyone, to think they their worth is dependent upon, you know, even if a minuscule and it might seem so innocent, but just think about those things, like it sets such a a different narrative for our youth, and those things need to change.

SPEAKER_02 43:38

You're coming back, and we're gonna have a whole episode on that, Sarah, because I yes, yeah, love it. Oh, thank you. This is I I really could go on and on. Thank you for sharing your your lives with with us.

SPEAKER_05 43:52

I I am just um so honored to be here and to you know help with your stories as well.

SPEAKER_02 44:01

You're partnering with us on changing lives and making this world better. So thank you, Sarah. You are a shining star girl. All right. Well, thank you, and have a great day, everyone.